In the mid-1990s, I suffered a spritual emergency. As I work on my book, I found a journal entry about that experience.
I keep questioning my identity. This morning, I awoke to a personal revelation, a deep knowing of some kind: I am NOT my personality pattern, character, or body. I am a Nothingness, which contains Everything! Wow, now I’m really out of my league.
I told my Diamond Heart teacher that I had lost all my boundaries to mind or body. He looked me right in the eye and said, “You’re not actually the person you think you. There is a higher dimension of no-thing-ness that is coming through you.”
Those words hit me like a lightning bolt! In my heart I knew that he spoke the truth. But having a force greater than myself working within me was too much. It was unfathomable. I was scared out of my mind. The next day my friend, who is now my husband, brought me a book that saved me.
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I don’t know about you, but some days my mind can’t stop. It’s like a spinning wheel that doesn’t know how, or when, to even pause. I came across an old journal entry that made me think. So today, l thought I’d inquire into my mind’s behavior again. As you’ll see below, I found that my mind is still doing many of the same old things. You too might want to look at what your mind is doing.
Lately, my mind is driving me crazy. It’s running non-stop, like ticker tape on Wall Street. My mind has manyvoices, many characters, each of whom are doing their own thing. My preferring mind considers this over that. I can see that this is all just a bunch of things that I’ve learned over time. (This makes me recall a cartoon I once saw; a cartoon character was asked, “What makes you happy?” It replied, “When everything is going my way—it’s not raining, I catch my flight, my report is done, and everything is perfect.” When his cartoon companion was asked the same question, it said, “I’m just happy when there’s a slice of pizza left in the box.”) I notice how my own preferences influence my day. I also see that my judging mind is hard at work, telling me its own version of what is right or wrong. (I think that my neutrality meter is broken right now.)
OK, OK, I’m going to slow down and experiment. I sit quietly and watch. I’m really going to see what my mind is up to now. I’m going to say in the present, in the “now” moment, like the books say. Oh no, every few seconds I see that my mind wanders off. I think about the eggs I had for breakfast. Up pops my “to do” list. Plus, I see how my mind jets off into the past, the future, or even fantasy. My mind is trying to change where I am. What about the now? This “now moment” is slippery; it’s not easy.
I stop. I empty my mind; but it still won’t be quiet. It just keeps producing content, even when I don’t want it to. It chatters and wanders and analyses and judges and prefers. It is constantly running an inner dialogue, a never-ending commentary of what’s going on, and I’m paying attention to it! One tiny little thought, and that one thought branches out into an entire story. I’m about ready to give up.
Wait, something just shifted. My guides are here. They say, “Take all this surface mind-stuff into your heart. Dive deep; there you will find your true intelligence.” I bring all this mind-stuff into my heart. From here I can see how my smaller, limited, mind is housed within a more expanded intelligent Self. I can see how my smaller mind has helped me on my journey—by bringing up images, feelings, and beliefs to be examined. Now, on a higher/deeper level, it is giving me examples of how I am resisting the full potential of my higher self. This is a good lesson. Think I’ll quit now and go out for a walk.
I’m really into writing the book now. My journey began many years ago. I started to learn about my personality when a friend gave me a book about the Enneagram. The Enneagram is a personality typing system which charts nine core personality types. It also houses a deep spiritual component. The system describes each personality type from a low dysfunctional level to a high self-actualized level.
I took a test and discovered that I was a flaming “8.” The 8 is called Leader, Challenger, or Asserter. You may want to check out your type at the Enneagram Institute. Take the test. What would your type be?
By observing my “8” pattern, I learned more than I did from all my years of self-reflection, counseling degrees, or working with students, clients and employees. I discovered I was trapped in an invisible prison. I was driven by my personality pattern.
Don Riso and Russ Hudson were my teachers. They actually began the Enneagram Institute. Don has since passed away. If you want to learn more, Russ has a helpful website. He is a brilliant teacher.
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I’m still working away on my book, day and night. Now, I’m on Chapter 3: Mystical Days with Thomas Hubl. As I read over journal entries from the last three decades, here’s an entry that I wrote years ago at 3 :00 am one morning.
It’s my mind that makes up the world! It’s my mind that manifests what I’m thinking, and projects that information—the thoughts, concepts and feelings out into the world. When I’m sleeping, it does the same, but then my usual, learned mind is One, so I can dream, fly and have adventures. Now, I realize this is also what’s happening in my waking moments. I’ve learned to limit my projection to what I’ve come to believe is true. This is why, when my usual mind disappears, I easily go into different planes and have adventures.
Oh, and then there is space! My little mind sees in linear, physical terms. I have to go across the room to get to the door. But in this infinite space/place, anything can happen. That’s why the other night, when I got up to go to the bathroom, I discovered that my physical body was still in bed. I had to go get it. Yow, an out-of-body experience.
Another download comes about time. Time only exists in the physical, linear domain. But in this more open field, when I keep my window open, there’s no time what-so-ever. There is only, this, very, present, now, moment. And this moment is eternal. It is the only moment; past and future are merely concepts that I have acquired, only figments of my imagination. I can see how this one, eternal, moment is constantly changing, morphing. I realize this is how I am able to experience so many different worlds. I am so grateful for this realization.