Heart series #9: Self Love

“Infinity Erupts” by FotoGrazio | CC BY-NC-ND 2.0

This post is #9 in the blog series: Heart. See the series overview page for a list of all posts.

Intro: We want to explore another area of the heart. We want to learn about self-love. We want to move into self-love. This is where we love ourselves fully. This is where we are able to live with authenticity, integrity, and joy. So, I’m going to dive into the concept of self-love, having no idea of what I’ll find. If you are ready for an adventure, please come with me. Let’s explore.

Lack of self-love

One morning I happened to listen to an online video about Living a Miraculous Life presented by Marci Shimaff and Dr. Sue Morter. They declared, “You must know and own your own miracles. You are worthy, you deserve it.” Everything was going along nicely until they asked a few questions about self-love. “Do you feel uncomfortable when people give you complements? When you get a gift, do you feel you have to give back? Do you play down your achievements?” Well, in horror, I flunked all of these questions.

Just the day before, a neighbor left a beautiful gift basket outside our door. It was gorgeous, filled with edible goodies. I said in a panic, “But we hardly ever speak with this neighbor and don’t really know her.” While the rest of the family was admiring and unwrapping all the goodies, I was in a dither about how to pay her back. Then I remembered how uncomfortable I am when people give me compliments. I usually try to deflect or change the subject. I realized I don’t know how to receive! I also know that self-love is not selfish, like my mother would claim. All of this thinking got me really wondering about self-love, so I decided to listen to a recording by the Circle of Light titled The Importance of Self Love.

Lessons from on high

The Circle of Light, a collection of light beings channeled by Georgia Jean, say they “cannot overstate the importance of self-love.” This was discouraging as I had just flunked the miraculous life self-love test and had concluded that I really didn’t have much love for myself. I continued to listen:

“Self-love is a very important aspect in your life and in the universe…. You need self-love. Your heart must feel worthy in order to bring what you desire into the world.”

Yikes, I really have to get on top of this self-love thing. But something seems amiss. Many things in my life have come through—a loving husband, a supportive family and friends, fantastic inquiry partners. I have a nice home and enough resources to be secure. My spiritual guides have led me to write a book and continue to guide me in writing these blog posts. So, why do I have the nagging feeling that I really don’t love myself?

I keep listening, “Self-love exists throughout every level and layer of your being.” Now this is interesting. Maybe there’s hope. Maybe my self-love exists in layers, or ways in which I’m not yet aware. Maybe when I ran around like a chicken with my head cut off when a neighbor dropped off a gift, I was just experiencing a lack of self-love because of my social conditioning. I was operating out of my egoic frequency. At other levels I might have handled the gift situation with calmness and grace.

The Circle of Light, which does exist in a higher dimension, explains that we humans have “a deep programing of not being valued.” This programing is “left over from old survival blueprints which are no longer needed.” This deep programing is fertile ground for thought as we contemplate how we do, or don’t, experience self-love. Note: To learn more about different frequencies and the old survival blueprint, please read the 3D-5D series.

I continue to listen to The Importance of Self Love.

“Humans get confused because they continue to experience stressful, or disturbing events, even when they think they are putting positive intentions out into the world. Humans don’t want to continue to experience distress. They prefer positive feelings. [But the Circle explains that life works in other ways. It operates according to different dimensions.] When humans label things as good or bad, these are simply attempts of your deeper self to draw attention to its experience….We want you to know that we are working to bring the unconscious aspects of yourself to the surface so that you can have more awareness of what you are actually putting out into the world.

“You may consciously say ‘I love myself’ but not really mean it, or experience love only on certain levels…When ‘negative’ things occur like anger or sadness or depression, it is a message from a higher dimension of you that wants you to be curious.

“Self-love is what fuels the flames of creativity….The creative experience comes from all vibrational frequencies that you are putting out. You are Creative beings….If you can allow yourself to get out of the way of receiving, and allow what arises to come into form, then you are able to push the vanguard of what is going on in the world.”

Hearing this, I say to myself, “Take a look, risk a bit, learn something new.’” And then guess what happens.

Self-love gets buried

That very same evening, I watched a movie “The Lost Daughter” with two men who at first made fun of the film, believing that nothing was really happening. This incident got me extremely upset. To discover why this happened I explored the incident in my journal the next morning.

Journal entry: Shame surfaces. I really laid into my husband last night when the movie ended. In retrospect I was unconsciously dumping tons of shame that I had accumulated about being a female. The way he had responded to the movie made me feel that he was naive, clueless, unaffected, and could care less about the interior workings of others. This I experienced as an affront to me and all women. It took me until this morning to ferret out why this incident triggered me so. (It’s a good thing I have a gentle, forgiving, and patient husband.)

This is what I’m remembering now. Growing up, society taught me that being a female was of less worth. My father used to say “pretty good for a girl.” Ha. Ha. But it was not funny; it felt like a put down. The day I passed my doctoral exam, feeling wonderful and walking across the college green, a local young teenage boy made a sexual remark to me, just because he could. While teaching on the college level, it quickly became clear that women did not receive tenure, even though they had published more than the men. When I received my doctorate, my father warned me not to get too far ahead of my husband. And on and on memory went—bringing up thousands of old messages which flooded in and taught me that women were devalued and degraded in our society. OK, I know I am on a rant and can’t seem to not stop myself. This memory stream is not coming from a dimension of self-love. On second thought maybe this experience is coming from a higher level, in order to get me to learn something new.

Self-love comes in through feelings

When I was railing at my poor husband, I hadn’t realized that my rant was due to shame. So, I go to my “feelings bible,” which is Karla McLaren’s book, The Language of Emotions: What your feelings are trying to tell you. I look up shame on page 197. Shame is about restoring integrity. One of the “gifts” of shame is self respect. I hadn’t been aware that I had been feeing shame about being a woman. This personal shame had been deeply hidden. Many times, during my life I had responded to incidents with anger, or hurt, but did not realize that I carried a burden of shame. Now it was time to look even more deeply into self-love.

Self-love comes through community

I remember a few times in my life where I did feel deeply loved and accepted. One time was when I traveled to surprise a friend for her birthday. We had known each other from the age of four. I had always felt welcomed by her warm and rowdy family. When I arrived at the party unexpectedly, l could hear voices excitedly whispering, “Barb’s here. Barb’s here.” I had never felt more welcomed in my life.

Another memory comes from an experience with my “5 Around” group. We’d been meeting for years. We started as a group of professional women, quite uncommon at the time, comparing notes and drawing up our organizations’ charts. Yet quickly we were having sleepover retreats and staying up until 2:00 AM telling dirty jokes. When there was a moment in my life where I felt completely at sea, I called the group. They quickly assembled, from meetings and hikes in the woods, to come to my rescue. I could feel their love and genuine support coming toward me. In retrospect, I suspect this incoming love was coming from an unfamiliar level. It was coming from a higher dimension. As I allowed this love-frequency to flow through me, my old egoic cocoon was stripped away. Accepting love from others definitely feels like a form of self-love.

Recently, while meeting online with my Quantum Power group, I experienced still another form of self-love. This love was of the nature of the collective. While sharing space on Zoom, we found ourselves deposited in a simultaneous Field of Love. No words spoken, there was no need, and yet we all understood there was a loving kind of communication going on among us. Somehow, we were united in a wonderous loving frequency—buzzing with gentle energy. A higher collective dimension was presenting Itself to us. This amazing, no-word dimension transported us all. In retrospect, I realize this is yet another way to experience self- love, a love which includes the most personal individual self while embracing the gigantic love of the field that just IS.

Radical self-love comes through

It’s three o’clock in the morning and I’m writing about self-love. What the heck! Something is coming up. There is an urge to receive. But what message is so important that it drives me out of bed in the middle of the night?

As I sense into my body, I observe some kind of split going on. One part of me is floating aimlessly around, feeling lost and alone. There is a sense of not being lovable or deserving. These are old beliefs, acquired early on. Yet, they are still alive, living in an unconscious reservoir deep inside me. At the same time, I’m experiencing a deep inner sense of not being separate, of belonging, the kind of deep love and devotion that I experienced with my Quantum Power group.

Wait, how is it that I can feel that I’m not lovable, or deserving, on one hand, and at the same time, know deep down that this is not true? These understandings are in conflict. They don’t mesh.

On one side, I see when my unconscious reservoir gets triggered, I have no stable self. I feel lost, alone, separate, and unloved. There is no support. This frequency leads me to a lack of trust, a lack of self-love.

On the other side, no, wait, what I’m experiencing at this moment is not another side. This frequency is the whole thing! It’s expansive, all-encompassing. Radical. Whoa, this is radical self-love! There’s a sense of belonging, really being welcomed, a sense of truly being at home, with my higher power and my self. I see that I am part of everything. I am part of everyone, I am part of each one of you. I am One with Source Itself.

This is what radical Self Love is all about. Thank you, for getting me up in the middle of the night, for giving me this wonderful lesson. Now, I’m going to take my radical self-love back to bed, but don’t worry, I realize there is still so much I don’t know about self-love.